I'm writing to inform you that our original form of transportation has been removed. I am so sorry, but it looks like I won't be the one who gets to grow you for nine months. Some other nice lady is going to grow you for me. She's going to take good care of you until you're born, because I can't.
I want you to know how much I want you in my arms. I wanted to feel you inside me, growing every day. I wanted to feel you kick when you started testing out your strong legs. I wanted to feel you flutter around while you still had room to swim. I wanted to eat for both of us, because I have a feeling you would have loved ice cream and cookies just like your daddy. I'm sorry that we won't get to have that time together, but it's going to be ok.
I promise I'll find you if you will still come down here to Earth. It might be scary, because you will have to choose someone else to help you get here, but she'll be just as warm and cozy. She'll be getting ready to give me and daddy the biggest gift a person can give. She'll be preparing her heart to say good-bye to you, so you can come home to be with us. It's going to be hard for her, so please give her lots of hugs and kisses from where you are.
Please forgive me for not being strong enough to bring you here myself. I promise I will be the best mommy to you though. I will not let you down. I will give you a warm body to snuggle with, and all the love in the whole world will be yours. It already is. :) I promise that me and daddy will keep you safe from the scary things that happen in our world. I'll pray with you every day, and we'll thank Heavenly Father for letting us be together. But you have to come down here, ok? I'll wait as long as you need, No pressure. I'll just be thinking about you every day until I get to meet you. I love you Kiddo.
Love Always, Your Mama
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Recovery
I spent three days in the hospital. They were rough, but nothing we couldn't handle. Preston did not leave my side. He slept in my bed with me the first night, because I didn't want to be without him. The second night he slept on a ridiculous reclining chair, but didn't complain at all. He was my nurse... He took me to the potty every hour because I was sucking down IVs like I had been in the desert for weeks. He would unhook my electronics that were tethered to my arm. He washed my face, showered me, helped me eat, had his dad sneak me in a chocolate shake, made sure I pushed my button every ten minutes for the pain medication to release, and comforted me when I was sad. Thanks baby, I couldn't have survived without you. (Literally... I think if I had to rely on the busy nurses for everything I needed, I would have drowned in my own urine!)
This was me, bored and seriously sleep deprived. I slept a total of 4 hours in three days while we stayed in the Hotel del Alta View Hospital. This pic was taken around 3 in the morning while everyone, including Presty, were sleeping.
Poor Presty. He was finally able to get some sleep, because I forced myself out of bed quietly to go potty without him, unplugged IV pole and electronics in tow. He needed the rest, and I wasn't about to wake that beautiful little face up!
This was the "Swelly Belly". It was huge and so tender. I'm still sporting some swelly belly and it's been five freaking weeks!!! (Don't mind the face, I was exhausted and minimally stoned.)
This was me, bored and seriously sleep deprived. I slept a total of 4 hours in three days while we stayed in the Hotel del Alta View Hospital. This pic was taken around 3 in the morning while everyone, including Presty, were sleeping.
Poor Presty. He was finally able to get some sleep, because I forced myself out of bed quietly to go potty without him, unplugged IV pole and electronics in tow. He needed the rest, and I wasn't about to wake that beautiful little face up!
This was the "Swelly Belly". It was huge and so tender. I'm still sporting some swelly belly and it's been five freaking weeks!!! (Don't mind the face, I was exhausted and minimally stoned.)
A Uterus Gone Bad... It's a long story
I'm finally feeling like blogging again. I have been so "under the weather", to say the least, that something as simple as blogging has been too much for me to think about. I wanted to tell my story, isignificant as it may be. I want to put it in words, and then put it to rest.
A couple years ago, we decided it was time to go off the pill and start trying to get pregnant. I was ecstatic. I have wanted a baby my whole life. Being a mom is a goal I've always tried to be worthy of. For the past two years, I have been progessively getting sicker and sicker. My uterus seemed to have decided it wanted to kill me from the inside out! It started out with bad periods... like the worst pain I'd had until that point in my life. I couldn't work for one week of the month. Just pain medications and bed. It was awful, but at least it was just a week. Each month, the periods lasted longer, and the pain got worse. By October of 2009, the pain was chronic. Even if I wasn't on my period, I still had a constant pressure and cramping in my lower abdomen. It was hard to work, because I hurt. It was hard to do anything, because I hurt.
In December of 2009 I had a surgery to remove endometriosis. For many, removing the endometriosis results in increased fertility and a decrease in pain. It didn't help my pain or periods. And we had no luck with getting pregnant. Not only was the pain getting worse, but so were the periods. For the first part of 2010, I had 10-14 day periods. Then summer came, and it turned in to a 18-21 day event. July my period didn't stop; a thirty day period. For a month I bled without stopping. (Sorry if this is TMI)
I ended up starting a monthly shot called Lupron. It put my body in to temporary menopause. That was a difficult experience. I learned how fun it is to experience hot flashes, weight gain, memory loss, numb hands, ugly breakouts and painful acne on my neck, constant fatigue, and pain. It was ok with me though, because the periods were gone, and with them went the excruciating pain that literally debilitated me. For most women, going on this monthly shot causes their body to stop what it's doing wrong and restart. My body didn't seem to be responding to the hard reset and it was extremely frustrating.
I still had constant cramping and pressure, so in October of 2010 I had another laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. In less than a year I had grown significantly more endometriosis. We also found out that both Preston and myself had serious infertility issues, and the likelihood of us ever conceiving was slim to none, even with InVetro. My entire world was crashing around me. I couldn't work much at all. Working out was out of the question, because it caused my lower abdominal muscles to spasm even more. I didn't let my spirits get down too much, because for two years I had been told that once I got pregnant, it would fix everything. When we found out that wasn't an option anymore, I wasn't sure if I had any reason to keep going. I felt useless and broken.
We made the decision, prayerfully and fully informed, to have a hysterectomy. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I kept thinking, I just need a few more years and maybe we'll be a miracle couple that gets pregnant despite the odds. But, my health was deteriorating so fast, and with it my happiness and quality of life was quickly draining out of me. After the decision was made, I had six weeks between surgeries to prepare. I felt so hopeless. This was not something I ever wanted. I was one of those little girls who would stuff pillows or bike helmets under my shirt every time we played house. I love the magic of a pregnant belly. It is incredibly beautiful to me... life growing inside a sacred vessel. My sacred vessel was about to be cut out of me, biopsied, and thrown in a hazardous waste material basin. As much as I couldn't stand the thought of ending that option once and for all, I knew it had to done. Preston and my doctor both knew it too, so they gently and encouragingly supported me through it.
My surgery came, I didn't cry and I wasn't scared. But, when the nurse came to wheel me in to surgery, I felt like I was saying good-bye to a part of me that would leave me empty and render me useless. I felt like I was walking through a door, that would shut behind me and lock me in a sadness forever. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched the sterile operating room become fuzzy and unconsciousness overtook me. I drifted in to a dreamless sleep while my worst nightmare took place.
It was a painful recovery. The surgery went flawlessly, but you can't speed up a healing body after a trauma like that. I spent four weeks in bed, surprisingly optimistic! I didn't feel sadness, I felt hope. Every day, I have gotten stronger, and the chronic pain that accompanied my relentlessly for so long is gone. I had the surgery five weeks ago, and I feel like it was a major success. I have an emptiness inside, but it is quickly filling up with the wonderful feeling of meaning and accomplishment... something I haven't felt for a really long time.
I feel happy and optimistic that some day I am going to get to be a mother. My life is in God's hands. Through the turmoil and heartache, I have never been alone. Heavenly Father has been watching over me. I felt like he constantly lifted me up and placed me in Preston's arms. My husband hasn't left my side through any of this. He has been to every single doctor's appointment. He has made countless trips to the grocery store to get my hormonally confused body whatever I craved. He has touched me so softly and lovingly while I would suffer in pain, easing ever so slightly the hurt in my heart and body. I feel like that is one of the biggest blessings I received from this trial in my life... I have fallen so deeply in love with the man I married. I love him in a way that I never would have know if we hadn't gone through this together.
My trial is insignificant compared to so many. But I am learning so much nevertheless. More than anything I know that our Heavenly Father loves us. He has never left me. It's so real to me that when we are at our lowest points, he is with us, experiencing every heart ache we have. He doesn't leave us alone to suffer if we will let him in.
I didn't post this for pity, praise, etc. I wanted to tell my story to remind myself and anyone who may read it that we are never alone. Most importantly, we are children of the most high God, and he loves us. He loves us.
A couple years ago, we decided it was time to go off the pill and start trying to get pregnant. I was ecstatic. I have wanted a baby my whole life. Being a mom is a goal I've always tried to be worthy of. For the past two years, I have been progessively getting sicker and sicker. My uterus seemed to have decided it wanted to kill me from the inside out! It started out with bad periods... like the worst pain I'd had until that point in my life. I couldn't work for one week of the month. Just pain medications and bed. It was awful, but at least it was just a week. Each month, the periods lasted longer, and the pain got worse. By October of 2009, the pain was chronic. Even if I wasn't on my period, I still had a constant pressure and cramping in my lower abdomen. It was hard to work, because I hurt. It was hard to do anything, because I hurt.
In December of 2009 I had a surgery to remove endometriosis. For many, removing the endometriosis results in increased fertility and a decrease in pain. It didn't help my pain or periods. And we had no luck with getting pregnant. Not only was the pain getting worse, but so were the periods. For the first part of 2010, I had 10-14 day periods. Then summer came, and it turned in to a 18-21 day event. July my period didn't stop; a thirty day period. For a month I bled without stopping. (Sorry if this is TMI)
I ended up starting a monthly shot called Lupron. It put my body in to temporary menopause. That was a difficult experience. I learned how fun it is to experience hot flashes, weight gain, memory loss, numb hands, ugly breakouts and painful acne on my neck, constant fatigue, and pain. It was ok with me though, because the periods were gone, and with them went the excruciating pain that literally debilitated me. For most women, going on this monthly shot causes their body to stop what it's doing wrong and restart. My body didn't seem to be responding to the hard reset and it was extremely frustrating.
I still had constant cramping and pressure, so in October of 2010 I had another laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. In less than a year I had grown significantly more endometriosis. We also found out that both Preston and myself had serious infertility issues, and the likelihood of us ever conceiving was slim to none, even with InVetro. My entire world was crashing around me. I couldn't work much at all. Working out was out of the question, because it caused my lower abdominal muscles to spasm even more. I didn't let my spirits get down too much, because for two years I had been told that once I got pregnant, it would fix everything. When we found out that wasn't an option anymore, I wasn't sure if I had any reason to keep going. I felt useless and broken.
We made the decision, prayerfully and fully informed, to have a hysterectomy. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I kept thinking, I just need a few more years and maybe we'll be a miracle couple that gets pregnant despite the odds. But, my health was deteriorating so fast, and with it my happiness and quality of life was quickly draining out of me. After the decision was made, I had six weeks between surgeries to prepare. I felt so hopeless. This was not something I ever wanted. I was one of those little girls who would stuff pillows or bike helmets under my shirt every time we played house. I love the magic of a pregnant belly. It is incredibly beautiful to me... life growing inside a sacred vessel. My sacred vessel was about to be cut out of me, biopsied, and thrown in a hazardous waste material basin. As much as I couldn't stand the thought of ending that option once and for all, I knew it had to done. Preston and my doctor both knew it too, so they gently and encouragingly supported me through it.
My surgery came, I didn't cry and I wasn't scared. But, when the nurse came to wheel me in to surgery, I felt like I was saying good-bye to a part of me that would leave me empty and render me useless. I felt like I was walking through a door, that would shut behind me and lock me in a sadness forever. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched the sterile operating room become fuzzy and unconsciousness overtook me. I drifted in to a dreamless sleep while my worst nightmare took place.
It was a painful recovery. The surgery went flawlessly, but you can't speed up a healing body after a trauma like that. I spent four weeks in bed, surprisingly optimistic! I didn't feel sadness, I felt hope. Every day, I have gotten stronger, and the chronic pain that accompanied my relentlessly for so long is gone. I had the surgery five weeks ago, and I feel like it was a major success. I have an emptiness inside, but it is quickly filling up with the wonderful feeling of meaning and accomplishment... something I haven't felt for a really long time.
I feel happy and optimistic that some day I am going to get to be a mother. My life is in God's hands. Through the turmoil and heartache, I have never been alone. Heavenly Father has been watching over me. I felt like he constantly lifted me up and placed me in Preston's arms. My husband hasn't left my side through any of this. He has been to every single doctor's appointment. He has made countless trips to the grocery store to get my hormonally confused body whatever I craved. He has touched me so softly and lovingly while I would suffer in pain, easing ever so slightly the hurt in my heart and body. I feel like that is one of the biggest blessings I received from this trial in my life... I have fallen so deeply in love with the man I married. I love him in a way that I never would have know if we hadn't gone through this together.
My trial is insignificant compared to so many. But I am learning so much nevertheless. More than anything I know that our Heavenly Father loves us. He has never left me. It's so real to me that when we are at our lowest points, he is with us, experiencing every heart ache we have. He doesn't leave us alone to suffer if we will let him in.
I didn't post this for pity, praise, etc. I wanted to tell my story to remind myself and anyone who may read it that we are never alone. Most importantly, we are children of the most high God, and he loves us. He loves us.
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